4 Steps to a Smoother Back~to~School

Change can be stressful for any child, but new people and situations can be especially difficult for children who have been adopted.  Going back to school doesn’t have to be a difficult transition for your child.  Here are four easy ways to help your child transition back to school, paving the way for a smoother September for you and your family.

1. Transitional Object

Send your child to school with something that allows him or her to check in with his or her “home base” (that’s you!!).  Be creative with this.  Send lunch box notes or exchange “friendship” bracelets with your child.  Make a charm out of sculpey clay with your child that he can wear during the time that he is away from you.  This small gesture will give your child something tangible to have during the day– something she can touch or look at.  Staying connected will increase your child’s coping skills and remind her that you’ll be reunited soon.

2. Teacher Check-In

During the first week or two of school, talk to your child’s teacher about any special needs your child has.  Do certain dates or situations trigger your child?  Does the teacher have plans to do any of those dreaded assignments, like family trees?  Perhaps you can offer alternatives to the teacher.  Depending on your child’s age, you could read your child’s class a story about adoption.

3. Avoid Power Struggles 

Attending school for eight hours a day means your child’s coping skills are completely used up during that time.  Eight hours is a long time for an adult to “keep it together,” let alone a child.  Your home and family are a safe place for your child and therefore ~ by default ~ a place where your child feels safe enough to melt down.  Are you noticing a decrease in frustration tolerance or increased need for attention?  This is all because your child’s coping skills have been diminished.  The easiest way to avoid meltdowns is to consider how you want to choose your battles.  Does your child want to wear mismatching socks in the morning?  Did she pick out a hair bow that isn’t your favorite or doesn’t match her outfit?  Can you make the morning routine less stressful by packing lunches the night before or picking out clothing?  Does homework have to be done immediately upon coming home from school or is a half hour break after school reasonable for your child and family?  Really consider where you want to spend your energy.  You will avoid unnecessary meltdowns and your child may even be able to handle the “important battles” more easily.

4. Slow Down!

When did life get so complicated??  Tae Kwon Do, Ballet, and Chinese lessons are a lot of fun but may actually be doing more harm that good.  In the first few months of school, keep your child’s schedule open.  Allow your child plenty of time to complete their homework.  Make sure your family has enough time to spend time together and stay connected, because that connection will help your child cope better at school.

Have fun and enjoy the 2011 school year!

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It sounds like a really amazing opportunity and I wanted to share it with all of my readers. I cannot vouch for the quality of the series, but feel confident recommending it since it is being cohosted by Larry Cohen. There are two options- listening to the live calls and purchasing a recording of the calls to listen to at any time (for a reduced fee).

Playful Parenting is one of the few parenting books I consistently recommend to ALL parents. It’s such a refreshing look at parenting while challenging us to reconsider some of our core beliefs about what parenting “should” look like. Play, laughter, and fun are crucial aspects of childhood. Play lays the foundation for health emotional and brain development!!!

Playful Parenting Teleseminar

Have fun!!

~

Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment counseling.

Dr. Perry’s warm and heartfelt writing style made it easy to forget that I was reading a book written by a psychiatrist (No offense if you are a psychiatrist or love a psychiatrist- they are wonderful people!! Psychiatrists just usually write a bit more densely than Dr. Perry did in this book). I plowed through “The Boy who was Raised as a Dog” in a weekend and wanted it to go on and on. Dr. Perry combines case studies with science and teaches readers about his Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics. This groundbreaking research is CRUCIAL to understand if you work with or parent children who have a history of trauma. I particularly loved Perry’s advocacy of massage, music, and movement therapies. Children who experienced neglect and deprivation in their early childhoods missed out the natural music and rhythm used by mother’s to calm their babies. To think that early-childhood music classes can help children’s brains heal from trauma- this is truly astounding!

Medical and mental health professionals should aspire to have the compassion and commitment to children that Dr. Perry clearly brings to each and every family he works with. I am looking forward to learning more about Dr. Perry’s Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics and his work at the Child Trauma Academy.

~

Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment counseling.

For prospective adoptive parent, the adoption process is a whirlwind of paperwork and social workers. It’s exhausting, physically and mentally. It’s expensive. Adoptive parents fight hard for what so many parents come by so easily: a child. Many adoptive parents I know have spent hours and hours researching adoption. Domestic vs. international vs. foster care. Embryo adoption. Surrogacy. Then it’s on to choosing just the right agency. Parents have to figure out the rules of that agency, and possibly of that country. They have to locate their financial records and birth certificates, then make what seems like a million copies. The next step is to take classes about adoption and parenting. On to preparing for and participating in a home study- where you have to prove to a stranger that you are deserving of parenthood. Don’t forget researching how to write the perfect prospective parent profile and then actually creating that profile. And then it’s wait…wait…wait. The months, sometimes years, between deciding to pursue adoption and actually bringing a child home is stressful and sometimes agonizing. It is absolutely no surprise to me that once the threshold of “parenthood” is crossed, parents close their door social workers, therapists, and case workers.

Unfortunately, bringing that infant or child into your home is EXACTLY when the real support needs to begin. New mommies who give birth have a fairly easy time finding support. Mommy play groups are plentiful, and often times formed from women who met in birthing class (or breastfeeding class or any of those pregnancy classes that adoptive moms miss out on). Post Partum Depression is now easily recognized and no longer shameful or a secret. So where can new adoptive moms and dads turn to for support?

• Your agency or social worker. I know that by the time your baby is born, you and your social workers have become quite close and you are ready to shut out those professionals. Let me encourage you not to let the door slam so hard or fast. Your adoption social worker can sometimes fulfill the role that an OB fulfills to many new mommies- particularly when it comes to answering questions and noticing post-adoption depression.
• Adoption support groups in your area. Spend some time before you become parents scoping out adoptive parent support groups in your area. There are several in the Austin area and I would imagine that most major metropolitan areas have similar resources.
• Internet message boards. Many, many new parents find solace and comfort with other parents across the nation (and world!) who are struggling with and celebrating the EXACT SAME THINGS you are. Adoption.com is just one place to find adoption message boards. There are also many different Yahoo! groups that are focused on adoptive parenting.
• Therapist or counselor who specializes in adoption. Even parents of newborns or young toddlers many benefit from a few sessions with a counselor well versed in adoption. It’s not uncommon for new parents to experience some symptoms of post-adoption depression. Having a good therapist skilled in adoption is even more important if you are parenting an older child with a history of trauma.
• Parent Training. Parenting isn’t always intuitive, especially after you were up five times last night for a bottle or diaper change, or when the newest addition to your family is a gorgeous five-year-old who doesn’t speak your language or look like anyone else in your family. Consider finding a good, attachment-promoting parent coach or educator to help you lay the foundation for a secure attachment with your infant or to figure out how to discipline your eight-year-old who has spent the last five years in foster homes.

2010 was full of headlines that made it clear that post-adoption support is vital if our desired outcome is a happy, successful adoption. Adoptive parenting can be hard. It is unique, challenging, and beautiful in ways that are completely different than parenting biological children. I encourage all the prospective adoptive families I work with to strongly consider lining up post-adoption support long before they bring their child home.

How easy is it to find post-adoption support services in your community?

~

Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment counseling.

Last month, I wrote an article about WHY parents should talk to their children about their adoption in an open and supportive way, and I promised a follow-up article on HOW to talk to your kids about adoption. I apologize that it’s taken SO LONG to get this article published!

In March, I became a topic expert contributor for adoption on www.GoodTherapy.org and I wrote my first article about how to talk to your kids about adoption. You can read the original article HERE but I am also re-posting the article in its entirety.

5 Ways to Talk to Your Children about Their Adoption

It’s not uncommon for parents to have some anxiety about talking to their children about their adoption story. This can be especially true if your child’s adoption story has some negative aspects to it, such as abandonment or CPS involvement. When we become parents, the instinct to protect our children from all hurt and harm is extremely strong. We agonize over the events in our child’s lives that brought them to our family and wish that we could have been there from the first moment. For many parents, the idea of sharing information with their child that they believe will be hurtful can result in a child’s adoption story simply never being discussed. It’s not uncommon for me to see parents in my office who never intended to keep secrets from their child but as the years progressed and the information remained unsaid, it became more and more difficult to have an open and honest discussion about adoption. What are some things your family can do to open the dialogue and make the conversation easier?

1. Start talking about their adoption from the moment they come into your home.
   

If you bring your child home at birth, this isn’t too early to talk about adoption! In fact, this is the best and easiest time to start talking about adoption! Talking to your beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect newborn about their birth story, their birth family, and your own adoption journey that brought you to them, allows you to practice telling this story before your child is old enough to understand. Overtime, you’ll become so comfortable talking about adoption that the topic will flow in and out of conversation without notice. Best of all, there is never a “moment” when your child first hears about their adoption because they’ve heard about it since the day they were born.

1. Make a Life Book
   

Ideally, you can gather pictures and memorabilia about your child’s birthfamily before your child is even born. If you are matched with an expectant mother prior to the child’s birth, take pictures of her (if she is comfortable with it). So many adopted children have never seen a picture of their mother pregnant with them! Find out as much information about her family and the father’s family. Unfortunately, many children are adopted as older infants or even teens and the opportunity to develop a relationship with their birthfamily is limited. Gather as much information as you can! Take pictures of your family’s trip to China and bring home souvenirs. Pester your child’s caseworker for everything that has happened during the CPS case because they may not otherwise remember to tell you that your child’s aunt is a talented pianist. Take this information and put it into some tangible form. It’s doesn’t have to be a “book”- it can be a special memory box! In this digital era, I’ve seen some really amazing digital photo LifeBooks. Allow your child to have access to their LifeBook, to take it out and look through it whenever they choose. Having their LifeBook around will likely prompt your child to talk about their adoption. At the very least, working with your child on his LifeBook or seeing them take it off the shelf will give you an easy opportunity to start talking about adoption.

1. Have memorabilia in your home about from your child’s first (second, third, fourth…) family.
   

This is the same idea as having a LifeBook without the book! Have photographs up on your refrigerator or framed in your child’s room. Hang that beautiful Russian ornament that you purchased on your first trip to visit your child on your Christmas tree each year. Does your child have an award they earned prior to joining your family? Frame it and hang it on their bedroom wall! If your child was in foster care prior to their adoption, get as much information as you can about their other foster families and have those memories displayed in your home, too. This sends a clear message to you child that it is OK to talk about their adoption, their previous families, and their first family. Many adoptees worry that their adoptive parents will be hurt if they talk about their first family, but if you have a picture of your child’s birthmother on your refrigerator, your child will likely feel comfortable knowing that it’s OK to bring her up.

1. Talk less. Listen More.
   

This is a great rule about parenting in general! Sometimes we need to stop talking, step back, and just listen. If you’ve done a good job with tips 1 through 3, you’ll have laid the groundwork for your child to feel comfortable bringing up their adoption. Listening can be hard because our instinct as parents is to fix the problem. Adoptive parents can’t fix the pain of adoption, but they can provide a space for their child to identify and process that pain. I’ve had many adoptive parents breathe a sigh of relief when they realized that they can stop working so hard to protect their child from pain. It’s an exhausting and never ending process! We can’t shield our children from pain. Their story is simply that- their story. As parents, our job is to present the information in an age appropriate manner and then support them as they process it.

1. Face our own Fears
   

Take a moment to consider why it’s hard to talk to your child about their adoption. We can’t talk honestly with our children about adoption until we are honest with ourselves. Greif and loss is an inherent aspect of adoption for ALL triad members. Many adoptive parents pursue adoption after infertility and it is crucial for parents to honor the grief associated with the loss of their infertility. It’s OK to acknowledge that adoption was your “second choice.” Grieve for your loss, for not being able to carry and birth your child. And then grieve it again, because grief never really goes away, it just moves to different places in our body. When you find yourself really reluctant to talk about a certain part of your child’s adoption, or you want to say “That’s too confusing for her to understand” take a step back and consider what’s underneath that reaction.

~

Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

“Don’t ask don’t tell” at one point seemed to be a great solution to a national dilemma. Now older and wiser, America has figured out that there are inherent problems in a policy such as “don’t ask don’t tell,” not to mention we’ve (thankfully) grown as a nation and have outgrown a policy designed to helped the majority feel comfortable. The problems with “don’t ask don’t tell”? Well for one, it insinuates that the proverbial elephant in the room is shameful. Two, it only takes into consideration the feelings of the majority while completely disregarding the feelings of the minority for the sake of (perceived) harmony. Three, it robs an individual of a piece of their soul. An undeniable aspect of themselves that without, leaves them less than whole.

Should “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Apply to Adoption?

How does an outdated policy on gay soldiers relate to this adoption and parenting blog? Countless times I’ve sat with the parents of older adopted kids and had them tell me that their child isn’t impacted by the core issues in adoption (loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identity, intimacy & relationships, control/gains- as described by Silverstein and Roszia in 1982). The reason the parents are so certain of this is because their child has never talked about. Adoption isn’t a secret in their house, but their child has never mentioned grieving for their birthfamily or feeling rejected. Their child never talks or asks about their birthfamily. Because their child is silent about adoption issues, parents assume that adoption issues don’t exist.

I Invite Parents to Reconsider This!

Can you think of a time in your life when something was really weighing heavy on your mind but you didn’t talk about it to anyone, even your closest confidante? Or a time when you just couldn’t get something out of your mind but you were afraid that it you talked about it, you were certain you’d hurt the very person you love most in your life? Or maybe you’re just a more introverted individual and you aren’t really one to divulge your innermost feelings. There are probably thousands of reasons why people (and children!) keep quiet even when something is really pounding away at their heart.

I recently stumbling across a blog (thank you Twitter) about an American family who is currently vacationing in China- and during this vacation they have had the opportunity to meet their four-year-old daughter’s birthfamily. WHAT?!?! Yes, I wrote that correctly. The story is nothing short of amazing and the mother is understandably short on details in her blog. But I was struck by the blogger’s brief recap of this meeting. Her beautiful four-year-old daughter asked her birthmother “Do you love me?” and then a few moments later “Do you miss me?” (Read the whole piece by heading over to American Family). What a beautiful look into the questions that had been tugging at this young preschooler’s heart. Did her birthmother miss her and love her. Her mother writes about how this little one “doesn’t say much about her adoption.” But these two questions show that she is processing and experiencing those feelings of grief, loss, and rejection EVEN THOUGH she doesn’t say much about it.

Sometimes (OK, a lot of the time) it’s hard to keep those lines of communication open. In my next article, I’ll talk about ways to encourage your child to express his thoughts and feelings, and ways to support them even if they don’t want to talk about it.

~

Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

Carol Lozier, LCSW is a foster and adopted child therapist who shares her practical strategies, guidance, and support to parents.

Is this Normal or is this Adoption or Foster Care Related?

As a parent it helps to have resources that clearly define average child behaviors.  One such resource are the books written by child psychologist Dr. Louise Bates Ames.  Dr. Ames was a pioneer in the studies of child development and co-wrote the series, “Your One Year Old.”  The books are written by year and begin with age one and end with a book which includes ages ten through fourteen.  Each of the books provide information about general characteristics, relationships, routines, tensional outlets and abilities for the age.

Dr. Ames also co-authored “Child Behavior” which informs us that every child goes through smooth and bumpy times throughout childhood.  In bumpy times children seem more distracted, easily upset and fussy, and more negative in their outlook.  In smoother times, they are easy-going, positive, more focused and overall, just easier to get along with.

With that in mind, how do you tell if a behavior is adoption related?…..Read the rest of this article by clicking here.

Does My Child Need to Work on These “Issues”? Will Therapy Help?

First and foremost, there are some obvious situations and behaviors that need professional therapeutic intervention and the list includes: self cutting; aggressive, threatening behavior; sexual acting out; suicidal or homicidal thoughts, comments, gestures or behaviors; a history of physical, sexual or emotional abuse; a history of trauma; and depression, anxiety or other disorders that interfere with normal, day to day functioning.

Otherwise, behaviors usually fall into the category of “all kids do it.”  And while all kids make mistakes and bad choices from time to time, if your child is having difficulties in the following situations, it may need to be addressed either by you or by a professional therapist.  On the continuum of misbehavior, one end is acting out and the other is shutting down; and these behaviors can occur in various settings such as: home, school, church, or other environments…..Read the rest of this article by clicking here.

Differences Between An Adoption or Foster Therapist and A General Therapist

I want to emphasize how important it is to find the right therapist for your child and family.  A therapist who specializes with adopted and foster children is different than a general practice therapist.  For an adoption therapist to be effective she must have training and knowledge in the areas of: the lifelong issues of adoption, attachment, trauma, child behavior, and child and family therapy.  Let’s take a further look at each of these.

Deborah Silverstein and Sharon Roszia identified the Seven Core Issues of Adoption.  An adoption therapist must understand these issues to help the child manage the resulting challenges as they grow and mature.  The lifelong issues of adoption include: rejection, grief, control, intimacy, guilt and shame, loss and identity.

In traditional child or adolescent therapy, the therapist meets alone with the child and then at a separate time with the parents.  In therapy with an adoptive or foster family, the adoption therapist utilizes a family therapy approach and meets with the parents and child together……Read the rest of this article by clicking here.

Selecting an Adoption Therapist for Your Foster or Adopted Child

Some parents start counseling as soon as their child comes home while for other families the need may not arise until a later time, such as adolescence.  Finding the right therapist can be a challenging task especially if a parent is not familiar with the counseling field.  This post gives parents direction on choosing the right adoption counselor for their child.  There are many factors to consider from insurance and office location, to the therapist’s degree and training.  Any reputable therapist will be happy to answer questions about themselves and their practice.  Some questions to ask the prospective therapist include…..Read the rest of this article by clicking here.

Many thanks to Carol for this succinct, thorough, and ‘spot-on’ advice about knowing when to seek help and how to find it.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

Thanks to the Region XIII Education Service Center for this opportunity!  Please feel free to email me for questions related to this workshop or for more information on making safe and client centered home visits.

robyn@gobbelcounseling.com

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

You can subscribe to Adoptive Families online by clicking HERE or you may be able to find it at your local Barnes & Noble or Borders (though I haven’t had any luck finding it in Austin). Last fall, I interviewed Amy about her book and wrote an article for Adoption Knowledge Affiliates, which you can read HERE. Order Brown Babies Pink Parents online and check out Parenting Across Color, a transracial support group in Austin (Amy just happens to be the director!!)

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

[This article was original written for and published in the Winter 2011 Newsletter for the Austin Chapter of Families with Children from China]

Attunement (noun): being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being “at one” with another being.

Think about the strongest relationships in your life. The person you call when you really need someone who gets it. How do you know they “get it?” What is special about those relationships? How does that relationship make you feel? Chances are, that person doesn’t spend a lot of time trying to fix anything. Or arguing. Or convincing you that it “really isn’t that big of a deal.” That person just listens. Says “Oh, you must be really hurting.” Provides a safe space for you to fully experience your feelings, and allows for those feelings to just be experienced and held. Attunement validates our inner world, providing a solid foundation for the development of a positive identity and sense of self.

Attunement supports attachment.

Imagine your child is upset because you are out of his favorite lunch. “I want macaroni and cheese!” he wails. You don’t have macaroni and cheese and there’s not much you can do about it. It’s easy to respond with “We’re out, I’m sorry. What would you like instead?” But as you’ve noticed, this may lead to your child kicking and screaming on the ground, in despair over the missing blue box. How about responding with “I know- I know you want macaroni and cheese. It’s so disappointing.” Or remember a time when your child came running in the front door with muddy shoes, carrying a bunch of weeds plucked from your hasn’t-been-mowed-in-several-months front yard. It’s natural to respond with “HEY! Your muddy shoes!! Don’t come one step further! Look at the mess you are making!” But what if you said “Oh Johnny! You picked those just for me! Thank you! That was so thoughtful! And oh my!! Your shoes are so muddy! Let’s head back outside with those muddy shoes!”

Attunement. To join our child on their inner journey. Your child isn’t thinking about your freshly mopped floors. He just picked you a beautiful plant from your yard and wants to share it with you. This doesn’t mean we gracefully accept muddy footprints all over our freshly mopped tile. It simply means that before tending to your dirty tile, you take a moment to join in with your child’s wonderment and excitement. To tell our child “I get it! You’re so excited and I understand. Your feelings are worth it and they are more important than my tile.” And then maybe you can both fill a bucket with water and have some fun with the suds.

Sometimes our adopted children have big feelings. Big feelings that are a little scary- scary for your child and scary for you when you hear your child express them. Feelings like “I hate it here! I look different and don’t fit in with any of you!” Or feelings like “She gave me away! She didn’t love me!” As parents, we want to reassure our children, to fix their feelings. We say something like “We love you! We don’t care that you look different! I love your dark hair and your beautiful skin! You fit in here with us because we love you.” Or “She did love you! She loved you enough to know she couldn’t parent you and wanted to find you a family who could take good care of you.” When we meet our children’s feelings with contradiction, they feel misunderstood and invalidated. Instead, we should mirror our children’s feelings and join in their journey and validate their feelings. The next time your child expresses grief over her adoption, try responding with “You look different than us and feel like you don’t fit in.” Or “You are so mad that your first mom gave you away and think that she didn’t love you.” By hearing you reflect back what she has expressed, your child feels heard and understood. She can then begin to process and work through those feelings, and your relationship strengthens because she is learning that you “get it.”

Attunement Decreases Difficult Behaviors

Attunement also means taking a close look at our children’s “misbehaviors.” Is your toddler tantrumming because she is hungry, tired, or overwhelmed? Is your preschooler whining because she misses feeling connected to you? Is your teenager being sassy because she’s having a fight with her BFF and is overwhelmed with feelings about losing her friendship? Attunement doesn’t mean we tolerate negative behaviors; attunement means that first we consider the source of the behavior and then tend to that pain.

Attunement Lays the Foundation for Attachment

Why bother? Why is attunement important? Think about how a newborn baby develops a healthy attachment with her caregiver. Baby sleeps. Baby cries. Caregiver tends to cry and fixes problem. Baby is consoled. Baby is happy and enjoys quiet, playful time with caregiver. Repeat. Again and again. This cycle of attunement- where the caregiver recognizes, understands, and then consoles- is the very foundation of attachment. Our older kids certainly have more complex needs than infants, and attunement can be much more difficult. However, true attunement with our older children will encourage the same healthy foundation of secure attachment.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin and Bastrop Texas specializing in adoption and attachment.

PS~ Remember my 2011 resolutions from my January newsletter? Attunement. Connection. Playfulness. Mindfulness. Thank you for sharing my journey! If you’d like to receive upcoming newsletters, click HERE.