So. Your adopted child hoards food.
Such a complex, yet such a common struggle for adoptive families. So complex and so common that I’d say almost every single adopted child I work with has some sort of food ‘thing.’ They may not hoard or overeat or do anything that interrupts their daily life, but it’s there. This post was inspired but something I read online, but if you are one of my families and feel like this rings true to you, please know that this is because this is a very, very common struggle for adoptive families.
Maybe your child is very controlling about food. Maybe she hoards food. Maybe he is sneaking food. Maybe she just is always hungry and always eating. You find your chest clenching, your anxiety skyrockets. You want to do what’s best for your child but this eating thing has got to get under control! Right?!
Remember how Trauma Mommas develop 4 Super Powers?
- Understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma on the brain. What happens to a child’s brain, nervous system, attachment, emotion regulation system, and sense of self when he spends months or years hungry? How does your body react when it believes it is starving? How does your brain respond to a slight dip in blood sugar level (a cue that you need to eat)? Know that hunger is registered in the brain stem, the most primal area of your brain. When your blood sugar dips, cortisol is produced. Brains that have lived in chronic fight/flight/freeze mode register that slight dip in blood sugar as “I’M GOING TO STARVE” as opposed to “It must be getting close to lunch time…my stomach is growling!”
- Understanding how their child’s specific trauma has impacted their specific brain. OK, so you are starting to understand the theory behind how hungry tummies impact the brain. But how does this translate to your child specifically? Look at your child’s history. Compare it to what you know about brains. Look at your child’s present life and find her common themes. Are they “I’m starving!” “If I don’t eat RIGHT NOW I never know when I’ll eat again!” “I don’t like this feeling so I will soothe myself with food.” “I don’t trust adults to take care of me so I must take care of myself, always making sure I have enough food to eat.” These themes help us peak into their past.
- How are you participating in the trauma tornado? Scared child (hungry! When will I eat again!) acts scary (hoarding, overeating). Scared momma (“The doctor is on my case about my overweight child!” Or maybe “My parents were restrictive and shaming regarding food and this is triggering my old stuff!” Or maybe “I can never satiate or make my child satisfied. I’m a bad mom!!”) acts scary (Restricts food). The cycle continues. Remember the step where you jump out of the trauma tornado? It’s at the “scared mom” step.
- Heal thyself. Is food a huge trigger for you? Do you love to prepare good, healthy foods and therefore watching your child gorge or hoard junk food is really a sore spot with you? Take what you learned in your journey to developing superpowers (steps 1-3), and sooth and heal yourself. This is how we jump out of the trauma tornado. If you can turn around those negative beliefs and feelings by reminding yourself of steps one and two, you’ll respond in a way that is not scary to your child. “My child hoards food because his brain believes that every time he is slightly hungry he is actually starving to death. I will make sure my child knows that food is always available to her.”
OK, you want some practical advice now!
It’s impossible to blog about the perfect solution for your specific situation, unfortunately. But my #1 suggestion to families is to create a place- a drawer, a cupboard, a backpack, a container of some sort. Together, you and your child fill it with healthy foods that you both agree on. Allow your child unlimited access to this stash. If dinner is five minutes away…your child can still take from his snack drawer. If dinner was just over five minutes ago…your child can still take from her snack drawer. If you child fills up on the healthy foods you’ve agreed to put in his snack drawer and doesn’t eat dinner, no problem! It was healthy!! If your child raids the fridge at night, then give him a bedroom snack container. Or place a granola bar or an apple on her nightstand.
This may alleviate all your child’s food anxiety (though, probably not all). This may just alleviate it a tiny bit. It may not alleviate it at all. Oftentimes children with traumatic pasts will benefit from both therapeutic parenting and trauma healing. Look for a therapist that promotes and believes in attachment, as well as one trained in trauma healing, such as EMDR or Somatic Experiencing. Check out the therapist listing at the Attachment & Trauma Network- they are a great resource. Combining therapeutic parenting with trauma therapy will help your child shift that negative belief of “I am starving!” or “I can’t trust adults to feed me.” Sometimes therapeutic parenting isn’t enough- we need to get at that place in their brain where that belief is stuck.
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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
Feelings Come and Feelings Go…
Repeat after me….
It is safe to feel my feelings. It is safe to feel my feelings. It is safe to feel my feelings.
Feelings are not permanent.
Feelings come and feelings go.
Ride the feelings wave…it comes in…it goes out….
So many of the children I see in my office have a phobia of feelings. Some kids are so afraid of feelings they stop feeling. These kids usually fall under the radar, not making too much trouble or drawing too much attention to themselves until it gets harder and harder to stop the feelings, and they start to turn to risky behaviors to numb out the feelings…sex, drinking, drugs, cutting….etc. Other kids can’t tolerate feelings so they cover up those feelings with MAD. Or HUGE EXPLOSIONS. Or lots of silly. Anything and everything to distract from the feeling.
But you know what? There are also a lot of adults who want to avoid feelings.
I hear comments and questions like “How can I keep him from getting mad?” Or “I just hope she doesn’t feel sad about this.”
Momma, what is the fear? Are you afraid of the feeling? Or of the behavior that covers up the feeling? Or both? Watching our children suffer is so hard. We would love to whisk away the sad or hurt. I clearly remember the first time my son cried tears of pure anguish. It was excruciating.
Let’s get comfortable with feelings. It is OK to feel mad. It is not OK to hurt people. It is OK to feel sad. I will hold. I’m here for you.
Did you know that on average, feelings last about 90 seconds? In the middle of a big feeling, 90 seconds is a LONG time. But still. It’s only 90 seconds. Allow yourself to feel that feeling. Allow your child to feel their feeling. When you rush in to comfort, ask yourself, who are you comforting? Are you uncomfortable with that big feeling? The next time your child is mad, notice if you shut down that feeling or allow it to come up (respectfully). When was the last time you said “There is no reason to be mad!” I know I have said it- probably recently!! But the truth is- feelings just ARE. And they come and go.
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Like what you read here? To get more trauma momma support, click here to sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
You Must Jump OUT of the Trauma Tornado has quickly become the most popular post on my blog. Trauma mommas are seeing how they got sucked into the tornado that is created by their child of trauma, and they are seeing the importance of jumping out. But many mommas are wondering, “When I find myself spiraling inside the tornado, how do I take the first step toward jumping out?”
Remember the “Scared Parent à Looks Scary” part of the trauma tornado?
The first step of jumping out of this tornado is knowing what your scared parent triggers are.
I’m a bad mom
Almost every trauma momma I work with has a scared parent trigger that is some variation on this theme.
Momma, your child’s behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you being a good or bad momma and everything to do with having trauma stuck in his brain.
Period. End of Story.
Is “I’m a bad mom” one of your scared parent triggers? I’ll bet it is! If my child tantrums, lies, steals, is controlling, hits, bites, gets kicked out of daycare, doesn’t attach to me, has poor hygiene, etc. etc. etc. then it’s because I’M A BAD MOM!!!
Replace that scared parent trigger with the truth.
Something like “I’m scared I don’t have the tools to parent my child.” “Parenting my child is really really hard.” “I’m always doing the best I can.” Or maybe “I need help knowing the best way to parent my child.” Any or all of those may be true, and none of them equate to “I’m a bad mom.”
Remember that identifying our role in the trauma tornado does not mean accepting blame or fault. Identifying our role means we understand that it is impossible NOT to get sucked into the trauma tornado. Unfortunately, we cannot ask our children to jump our first…we must lead the way.
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Like what you read here? To get more trauma momma support, click here to sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
We can’t talk about self-care without touching on the fact that momma needs time just for her. It doesn’t really matter what you do with that time- as long as it nourishes your soul, removes a layer of stress from your life, or serves whatever self-care goal you have for yourself- TODAY. Our self-care goals and prioritizes change every day. What is it- TODAY?
Today is Sunday. I sent my family into the city to attend an event while I stayed home to get some work done. This might seem like the opposite of self-care, but really it was just what I needed. We spent the entire day yesterday doing a fun family activity. Today I needed some time to get some work done and do some chores. Having peace and quiet in the house, plus a full afternoon to just focus on what I needed to get done, is absolutely self-care. At the end of the day, my stress level will be exponentially decreased because I’ll have a HUGE jump start on everything I need to do this upcoming week. It’s quiet. I’m sitting outside on our back porch. I’m listening to music I like, drinking coffee, hearing birds sing, feeling a perfect breeze on this gorgeous 75 degree day, and gazing at blue skies. Oh, I also hit my running mileage goal for the week including an amazing six miles this morning! So yes. Staying home from a fun family event in the city was self-care to me, today. Probably next weekend my self-care will be to put work on the back-burner will I enjoy time with my family!
So- what is it for you, today? Not necessarily what does self-care ALWAYS look like for you. But just today. Maybe you run out to get coffee that tastes good. Maybe you read a fiction book that you haven’t gotten to recently because all you read about is how to parent your traumatized child. Maybe you take a bath, get a pedicure, or do one of those default self-care things that we are supposed to enjoy.
What will it be?
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Like what you read here? To get more trauma momma support, click here to sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
4 Super Powers of Being a Trauma Momma
***Do you get my newsletter? Here is a summary of the article that went out yesterday***
Parenting a child is so complex. It is hard enough even without the added complication of trauma. I work with mommas who are always second guessing their parenting decisions. There are so many books, blogs, articles, so-called-experts on parenting…from Dr. Spock to Dr. Sears…parents have learned to turn off their intuition in order to listen to the expert (you know, the one who has never even met your kid!). But trauma parenting? That takes parenting intuition and decisions to a whole new level.
In the past few days I’ve been percolating over what it means to be a trauma momma, and I’ve narrowed it to four super powers trauma mommas develop. Of course there are more, but these are the four I’m able to articulate today.
1. Understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma on the brain. It’s really crucial that trauma mommas have an understanding of what happens to a child’s brain when they experience a trauma. This can be a pre-birth or during-birth trauma. This can be the inherent trauma in adoption of an infant. This can be abuse and neglect. But stepnumero uno really needs to be for trauma mommas to recognize that trauma has impacted their child’s brain, and then to understand how trauma impacts the brain, nervous system, and how children manage stress and regulate emotions. This is complex! We’re talking about brain structures, brain chemicals, and a child’s inner working model (belief about themselves and the world), just to name a few! How many non-trauma momma parents really spend time researching the brain on the internet? Not too many! They get to use the internet like a regular person, pinning cute photos to pinterest and sharing images of cats of Facebook!
2. Understanding how their child’s specific trauma has impacted their specific brain. OK, once we know about how trauma impacts people in general, how do we take that information and apply it to my specific child? How did my child’s loss of a trusting caregiver when he was an infant impact his nervous system and ‘inner working model’ and how does that translate to why he is so controlling? Or why he lies? Or why he never asks for help? In this step, we start to develop true understanding and compassion for our child.
3. Next, trauma mommas need to determine where and how they are participating in the trauma tornado. What fears or beliefs are getting activated when their child is lying, stealing, tantrumming, controlling, hitting, yelling, shutting down, zoning out, ignoring…or engaging in increasingly risky behaviors as teens get older (drinkings, drugs, sex…). What is being triggered for the momma when her child resists true connection? Or is lying and manipulative? Is there a “You’re a bad mom?” gremlin in there? Or the fear of your child landing in jail, never developing empathy or contributing to society? Or is your own inner child hurting at being ignored, pushed aside, or yelled at?
4. Trauma momma, heal thyself. OK, identifying your triggers, knowing how, when, where, and why are all crucial parts on your path toward creating calm and connection in your family and home. But momma, KNOWING your triggers and deactivating those triggers are two completely different things. Trauma kids WILL get at every single one of our once-believed-dormant fears and triggers. They just will. Bringing a child of trauma into your home- either by birth or adoption- is a guarantee that you will have to eventually focus on and heal thyself. This process looks different for all trauma mommas. For some, this will be remembering self-care. For some, simply looking at your fear and knowing your role in the trauma tornado will bring awareness and help you down the path toward healing. For others, doing your own trauma processing work may be necessary. I know. You had no idea that you’d need to participate in trauma healing simply from parenting. But parenting a child of trauma IS TRAUMA. Momma, love and heal thyself.
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Like what you read here? To get more trauma momma support, click here to sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
Self-Care Sunday – Banish Negative Self-Talk {again!}
Alright! Let’s check in again on our mind-body-spirit emphasis on self-care? I hit another 16 (actually 16.2!!!) miles this week- which included 5 total on the treadmill. That is a sure testament to my commitment to self-care as I find the treadmill to be particularly awful. Last weekend I encouraged you to notice your negative self-talk. What did you notice? Were you surprised? Was it difficult to notice and observe…without judgment?
Banish Negative Self-Talk
Today, I ran three miles while my son rode his bike. We’ve been doing this for about a month and he’s getting faster! Last month it was a leisurely jog. Today, it’s becoming speed-work! Our three miles is not without complaining….lots of it (from him). So today I practiced teaching my seven-year-old about banishing negative self-talk. “I can’t do this! I need a break!” became “This is hard but my body is getting stronger.” It was good practice for him and kept my mind off the fact that even through his complaining, he was riding his bike faster than I normally would for three miles.
Examine your commonly looping negative self-talk. Can you honor that feeling without beating up on yourself? Certainly you can’t turn the thought “This is so hard!” into “This is so easy!” but you could possibly turn it into “This is hard but I’m getting better at it” or “stronger” or “This is getting easier.”
Turning around these negative statements will also begin to reconnect your own limbic system back to your prefrontal cortex. You know- the places in your child’s brain that disconnects in the face of a trigger and causes a colossal melt-down? Sometimes our brain disconnects, too. Turning around that negative self-talk slows down that process.
Try it out…let me know what you discover.
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Like what you read here? To get more trauma momma support, click here to sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Austin, Texas specializing in adoption, trauma, and attachment counseling. She is the founder of the Central Texas Attachment & Trauma Center.
Small Things Matter.
